In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
