He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
