You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
