My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
