In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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