wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
