so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
