Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
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If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
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I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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