i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Randomize
