She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
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I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
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There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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