Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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