my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
