does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
