I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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