remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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