My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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