I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
