The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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