Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
