I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
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HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
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Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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