Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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