apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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