Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
