We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
