How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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