WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
