We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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