plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
