he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
