I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
