He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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