i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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