She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
