I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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