my mouth tastes like poor choices
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
