What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
