dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
