Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
