Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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