u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Randomize
