I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Two words: nipple clamps
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