dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
