Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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