It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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