I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
