really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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