You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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