We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
