his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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