I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
