I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
