I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
