I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
