I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
