i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
