I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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