i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
