Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
