Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
