If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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