Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
