Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
time to smoke my breakfast
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Randomize
