oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
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