I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
