So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
