dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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