I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
